I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
