True but thats because hes a fetus.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
