sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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