Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
