Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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