Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
