I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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