I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
