I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
