Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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