remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
