We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
She announced her abortion via fbk
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
