Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
