you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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