just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Randomize
