Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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