I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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