I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
