No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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