and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize