Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
