I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
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Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
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It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize