So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
