i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
