I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
