It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
