Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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