Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
