I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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