I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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