You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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