i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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