I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
