I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
