pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
