you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
oh god was she eating orange peels again
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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