I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
