we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
