Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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