You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
