I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
You were trust falling into bushes
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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