the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
So much rum. So many feels.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
