I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
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