If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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