i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
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He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
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You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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