One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
