I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
