I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
