just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
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She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
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I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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