It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
