I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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