My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
