Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
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