I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
