sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
