there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
