Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
